


Lay all your love on me

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst, Character Death, Cheating, Doctor/Patient, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Married Characters, POV Multiple, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Sexuality Crisis, Terminal Illnesses, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 02:48:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 22,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15921268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: When I'm going to get the results you’ll be the first one to know I'm fit as a fiddle.In so many years, that had been the first time I had lied to Ryo.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The story is based on Ninomiya Kazunari's tanpatsu "Tengoku de Kimi ni Aetara".

I remembered getting out.

I remembered walking the pathway, as every day.

I was going to the university, I was supposed to meet Yamada to show him my part of the project we were working on.

I didn’t remember anything else.

I woke up again in my bedroom, sure it had been a dream, but I had to change my mind right away; I was wearing my clothes, not my pyjamas.

And, something which put me on alert, next to the bed stood Hikaru and Kei, my roommate, both looking anxious.

It was Inoo who got close with a smile, caressing my forehead.

“Rise and shine, Yuri.” he said, his hand not leaving me, as if he was afraid I was going to disappear any moment.

I stared at him confusedly, and Hikaru must’ve noticed.

“You passed out as soon as you walked out of home. Kei brought you back inside and then he called me.” he explained, and I noticed the clear tension in his voice. “You scared us.” he added.

I shrugged by way of an apology. Kei had always been way too protective toward me, and Hikaru was always concerned about my well-being, my habits and he tried to make sure I lead a regular life.

I barely ever listened to him.

“You shouldn’t have worried.” I told them, nonchalant. “I must’ve drunk too much beer last night and I didn’t have breakfast this morning. And it’s also particularly hot today.” I tried to justify myself, even though I couldn’t understand what was I defending myself from.

Kei lost his tender look all of a sudden, and he put on a grave stare.

“You told me the same a few of days ago, Yuri, when you’ve fainted _again_.” I sighed. I had almost forgotten last week accident, very similar to what had happened today; I had passed out on my way to Ryosuke’s fro lunch. With the only difference that I had woken up on the couch instead of my bed.

“I'm sorry, Kei-chan. I promise I’ll get tested next week to check that everything’s under control.” I muttered, knowing already I wasn’t going to do anything of the sort.

I saw Hikaru sneer, and I got worried.

“Don’t worry, Yuri.” he told me, with that mischievous smile I never cared too much for. “I’m taking you to the doctor right now, there’s no need to wait next week.”

I stared at him desperate, as Inoo nodded, clearly satisfied. I got up incredibly slowly from the bed and I followed him out of my room, unwillingly.

Kei walked us to the door, and before letting us leave he put a hand down on my shoulder.

“Don’t make that face, as if we’re sending you to Siberia. It’s just a few tests.” he said, practical. I nodded, and didn’t dare objecting. “See you later. And be nice.” he said then, pressing a quick kiss to my cheek.

I found it hard to point out I wasn’t a kid anymore, and that he should’ve lost the maternal attitude toward me.

That I was twenty-one. That I had plans for the future, that I paid for my studies on my own. That I had a life.

I found it hard and, after all, I was in no rush to let him notice.

I didn’t mind being a kid for a little while longer.

I saw Hikaru keep the car’s door open for me and gesture for me to get in, grinning.

“I promise I'm going to buy you ice-cream once we’ll be done with the doctor.”

Well, being a kid was _incredibly_ annoying, sometimes.

 

~

 

I had a migraine.

I had gotten used to it by now. I’ve had one for three days in a row, now.

I was trying to finish the project I had started the week before, when I had fainted, but I couldn’t focus.

I looked the words on the page and they all seemed to be the same.

I looked the walls around me, and it was like they were closing around me.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I had no intention to pass out again.

The cell phone brought me back, but the vibrations against the table it was on did nothing but make my headache sharper. I stretched out to grab it, and I realized with a certain disdain my hand was trembling.

I read the name on the screen. Yamada.

“Ryosuke?” I picked up, my voice feeble.

“ _Yuri? What’s wrong?”_ he asked, alarmed by my tone. I felt like smiling for the anxiety in his voice, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I let it go.

“Nothing, I was just focused.” I tried to sound as normal as possible. I knew Ryosuke wasn’t going to buy it, but from the way he spoke then he seemed to have decided to pretend everything was fine.

“ _Want to grab something to drink with the others tonight? I’ve just gotten back from Sapporo, and I wanted to see you all.”_ he said, his voice full of expectation.

And I knew why.

“Of course. Can you give me a ride?” I asked. I almost felt him smiling at the other end of the phone.

“ _Be ready at eight.”_ he replied, happy. Then I told him goodbye and we hanged up.

Yamada had always been like that; he got excited over nothing, just like me.

But we had a different way to keep up with friends. Since we had known each other, him, Kei and I, years before, he had always been the one calling us, dragging us out, making time to meet.

I used to feel guilty in the past for how I holed myself up in my own world, as if other people didn’t exist, but it hadn’t lasted long.

Yamada knew it wasn’t for lack of consideration toward him or Kei, just like it wasn’t toward Hikaru or Yabu; I was just distracted, and I was able to spend whole days inside the apartment without even realizing it.

It was common for him to be the one waking me up from that.

After having hanged up I tried to get back to studying, but I gave up soon after.

I couldn’t study, not like that.

I took an aspirin and I threw a last glance to the books, then I left the room.

Ryo was going to have to wait a little while longer.

 

~

 

Yamada was worried, I could tell that.

He kept throwing knowing glances at Kei, who on his part just looked at me trying to understand what was going through my mind. As usual, in vain.

All those attentions made me uncomfortable; it made me want to keep to myself even more, to let my mind wander off.

But after all, Yamada and Kei had always gotten me used to that, so as uncomfortable as it made me I couldn’t bring myself to get annoyed at them.

“Did you get the tests result, Yuri?” he asked at some point, awkwardly pretending to be nonchalant. I shrugged and forced a smile.

“It hasn’t been a week yet, I don’t have them.” I replied, exchanging an amused look with Kei.

“But it’s urgent!” Ryosuke protested, banging the glass down on the table at the bar we were in. Too hard, probably, since half the content spilled on him.

Inoo burst out laughing, while I kept that forced smile on my face; not fake, just... tired.

“You’re a mess, Ryo-chan.” the elder told him, helping him clean up. Yamada shrugged, used to stuff like that, and he didn’t avert his attention from me, still waiting for an answer.

I rolled my eyes, exasperated, as amused as I was from his excessive concern.

“It’s not urgent. I just fainted, and nothing serious happened. When I'm going to get the results you’ll be the first one to know I'm fit as a fiddle.”

Yamada was about to reply, but Kei was faster.

“So, how was Sapporo, Yama-chan? Was is any fun?”

Ryo bit his lip, torn between going on ranting against me and the desire to tell us what he had done in Sapporo, but in the end the second option prevailed and he started telling us where he had been with his parents.

The rest of the night went on smoothly with Ryosuke’s unlikely stories about weird animals’ attacks and Kei making fun of him.

I just sat there with them, sipping my beer. From time to time I laughed, from time to time I joined the conversation. And sometime, I lost the thread of it.

The migraine wasn’t going away.

 

~

 

I had gotten a call from the doctor that morning.

He had asked me to go see him, that he needed to check some more stuff. To meet him in the hospital, instead of his private studio.

Unwillingly, I had asked him for explanations. He had just told me we were going to discuss this in person that afternoon, then he had hanged up telling me he had patients to visit.

The call had arrived when, much to my misfortune, I was at the café where Hikaru worked.

Getting the hint from my words as to whom I was talking, he had offered to bring me this time as well.

And when Yaotome offered to do something, it was rarely a request, more often an imposition.

That was why I was once again in his car, once again against my will.

I had known Hikaru for years. Since Kei had started dating Yabu in school, and during one of our outings he had introduced Hikaru to us. I remembered having been interested in him almost straight away; he was different from Kei or Ryo, he was more private, he tended to leave me my space.

We clicked, so it hadn’t taken us long to pass from a mild acquaintance to a friendship that I deemed just as important as the one with Kei or Yamada.

Whenever we were together, he proved to be almost fascinated by me, despite the fact that I never recognized any fascinating quality in myself.

But after all these years – five to be exact – I still didn’t get him completely.

As if there was something I was missing, something he was holding out.

I had never been one to mull too much over other people’s silences, not being too talkative myself.

He had always let me stir, looking from afar and waiting for me to be the first one to talk, because I had always caved with him and I had always taken the first step; he just stayed there and listened without saying a word, never letting go with me the way I did with him.

Yet I had an unexplainable desire to fill Yaotome Hikaru’s silences.

We got to the hospital on time, and without much enthusiasm from either of us.

I didn’t want to get other tests, and apparently hospitals didn’t sit right with him either.

We headed to the waiting room with a lazy stride, sitting on uncomfortable plastic chairs in front of the door to my doctor’s office.

“Chinen-san? You can go in, the doctor is waiting for you.” I heard a nurse calling me all of a sudden, and when I turned I saw she was smiling. I looked at Hikaru, knowing there wasn’t much to smile about.

“I won’t be long.” I reassured him. He just nodded, with the same anxiety on his face as the week before, unable to leave him.

 

~

 

My hope that I wasn’t going to waste more than half an hour with Kojima-sensei, had gone up in smoke.

After having explained to me that some of the blood values were out of the norm, he had insisted to give me and MRI, after having careful touched and auscultated every inch of my body.

I had gotten back to the waiting room with Hikaru, and we were both waiting for the doctor to finish examining the MRI.

When I was asked back into his office, I turned to look at Hikaru.

“Want to come with me?” I asked in a rush.

I didn’t know whether I was scared of being alone or if I didn’t want to leave him alone with his anxiety. I just knew that right now it felt natural for him to be with me, whatever the doctor had to tell me.

He hesitated for a moment; then he nodded, and got up to follow me.

We got inside, sitting in front of Kojima-sensei’s desk.

The look on the doctor’s face was unreadable.

He cleared his throat a couple of times, he threw a glance at Hikaru which betrayed a little confusion, then he turned to me.

“Chinen-san, I’ve got your MRI.” he said, his voice grave, then he got up to turn on the diaphanoscope.

The neon lit up and the doctor kept silent for a few seconds, which I took to stare at my cranium, while Hikaru next to me held his breath.

Then the doctor started speaking again, his voice even graver than before.

“It’s not very clear, but it’s out of doubt it’s there.” he put his finger on a spot on the machine, low. “There’s a mass in the temporal lobe.” he went on, while I felt Hikaru’s hand get wrapped around mine, instinctively. “We need to get you a biopsy as soon as possible. From your values, there’s a concrete possibility that we’re looking at a tumour.”

Perhaps in that moment I didn’t realize what he was saying.

Perhaps I was still convinced I had suddenly fallen sleep, and that this was a dream. Because I had no reaction at all.

I said a ‘oh’, a sound both of confusion and fear, maybe.

To remind me that I wasn’t sleeping, anyway, Hikaru’s hand was holding mine so tight that I was sure I had no blood flow left.

I found it weird, but I thought about the words I had told Yamada a few days ago.

_When I'm going to get the results you’ll be the first one to know I'm fit as a fiddle._

In so many years, that had been the first time I had lied to Ryo.


	2. Chapter 2

The sun was blinding.

I was lying down on the beach, in front of the small outbuilding working as an office.

I heard Yuto’s clear laughter from a distance and the boiling sound of the coffee on the stove.

I felt good. Serene, relaxed, in that bubble of calmness that I rarely managed to get for myself at work or at home.

I barely ever managed to close my eyes and get away from reality; ghosts from a recent past always came to make unpleasant visits, faces of men, of women, and at times even of children, making me walk through their agonizing stories, in their lives slowly fading.

In all that pain I always tried to make mine, managing that just too well.

I couldn’t understand them, perhaps, but I could suffer with them.

Suffer, always. Suffer, too much.

As it had happened since I had begun working as a psychologist but there, at the South Peninsula Cancer Treatment Centre, that pain seemed to be amplified.

I didn’t have to deal with the crisis of men who had lost their job, women afraid their husbands were cheating on them, depression deriving from trivialities.

I had to deal with the awareness that my M.D. was completely useless against death. I didn’t know what to say to all those people, I just tried to help them as I could, often saying the wrong thing, but learning a little at a time that there was hardly ever the right thing to do or say to them.

And that, from time to time, it’s enough for them to have someone to hear them crying.

“Takaki-sensei? Coffee’s ready if you want some.” Okamoto told me, startling me. I smiled to him, nodding.

“I'm coming, thanks.”

I slowly stood up, stretching, and I looked at the time.

It was past four in the afternoon; it hadn’t been a busy day, and I didn’t know whether that saddened me or not.

It might’ve meant that there weren’t people needing me, or that there were too many of them who couldn’t admit they actually needed help.

It was a hard job, mine.

I walked inside the outbuilding, still a little flustered, and I willingly took the coffee Yuto was handing to me.

I messed with his hair and he whined, but he kept smiling as usual.

He was one huge question mark for me.

That eleven years old kid, a kid with cancer, a kid who knew he was going to die soon.

Who had come to me and Okamoto asking for us to give him something to do, to make him feel useful while he still could.

Eleven, cancer, and the smile always on his face.

Something that nor I nor anyone else in the world would’ve ever been able to fully understand.

I drank my coffee, watching the two of them talking in a low voice as if they were best friends, despite having an age difference of over ten years.

Another mystery, another thing I didn’t grasp.

I wondered how much I would’ve actually learnt there, and if I would’ve truly ended up understanding all I needed.

I was desperately looking for a reason to go on, for a solution for all of them, but there was never anything I could do but listen, try to put an order to their pain and, from time to time, cry for their fate.

But every day spent at the centre had taught me something: one never ceases to learn. And it isn't always easy.

 

~

 

“I'm home!” I yelled as soon as I opened the door.

“Daddy! Daddy!” as every night, I got welcomed by Kiyomi and Harumi’s voices. They ran toward me, hugging one of my legs each.

I smiled. During those moments, every thought disappeared; the exact moment when I got back home and I found them waiting.

All that was left was that little happy microcosm, far from work, far from the clinic, far from that chair where every day I became unwilling witness to human tragedies I couldn’t fix.

None of that could exist, not in front of the girls’ smile.

I walked to the kitchen and I found Natsumi busy at the stove. Her smile was identical to that of our daughters, who looked so much like her.

Perhaps hers was a little less happy, but I couldn’t blame her.

I hadn’t offered her the easiest life, and I imagined it wasn’t simple to learn and bear with my moments of silence, apparently unjustified.

It was like, from time to time, a wall got built between us, and neither of us was capable of crossing it.

I hated myself because I couldn’t, but I had learnt to live with the fact that Natsumi loved me, just like I loved her, but that our relationship was far from perfect.

As if it was both still unripe but already rotten.

Married so soon, we knew so little about each other. And we rarely took any step to get closer to a deeper knowledge.

“Welcome home.” she said, her usual soothing voice that I loved. I basked in her voice, I liked to hear her talking about nothing, I just needed to hear that.

I got closer, resting a hand on her hip and pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“What’s for dinner?” I asked, stretching my hand to grab a few shiitake. I got hit immediately, and forced to let them go.

“Omurice. And hands off the mushrooms.” she replied, her severe voice clashing with the smile on her face.

I shrugged, smiling back, and I joined the kids who were playing quietly in a corner of the kitchen.

I managed to have that peace I kept looking for at work, where it had no reason to be.

I had that.

Even just for a little while.

 

~

 

“Good morning, Arioka-sensei.”

The doctor, a little older than me, nodded in my direction.

He was sitting at the table inside the outbuilding, a cup of coffee in his hand; he stirred it absorbed, thoughtful.

I quickly wore the white coat and sat in front of him.

“Any news?” I asked. I found it weird to have him there, even though it had happened in the past. Never without a real reason, though.

“I came to get some coffee. This morning I really couldn’t take that slop from the vending machine. And anyway, Yutorin’s coffee is unparalleled, isn't it?” he asked, smiling at the kid as I had never seen him smile. Not in my presence, at least.

I nodded briefly and kept staring at him, when I saw him let go of the cup and raise his eyes on me.

“How is it going, lately?” he asked. I opened my eyes wide, confused by the sudden interest.

“How... how’s it going what?” I got defensive. The doctor sighed.

“No offense, Takaki-sensei, as sure as I am that your private life is a heap of emotions and events, I was talking about work.”

I blushed hard, while both Keito and Yuto burst out laughing.

“Oh! Of course, work. Well, it’s good. Even though the past few weeks I’ve had less patients.” I explained. He nodded, gloomy.

“I thought so. I'm not the only one having little faith in shrinks, right?”

I smiled, knowing I shouldn’t have taken him too seriously. I knew about his diffidence toward my role there at the centre, but I also knew, as he had proven to me, that he had come a long way from those initial prejudices, and had started believing my support could actually be useful, in not necessary, to many of the people there.

“So it seems. Or perhaps it’s me who doesn’t inspire confidence. But they could at least come and taste Yutti’s coffee. We’re more famous for that than my medical abilities.” I replied, smirking.

The doctor smiled, then he handed me a few charts, grimacing.

“I know Harada-san says it’s the patients who have to come to you. And I agree with him because, we should know that, you can only help those who really want to be helped. But still, I want you to take a look at a few of these charts. Most of them haven’t been here long, and I think they’d all need to speak with someone.” he drank the last sip of his coffee, then he got up. “I better get going. I still have to make my rounds.” he said, then he turned to Yuto. “Thanks for the coffee. It was delicious, as usual.” he headed toward the door. “Have a nice day.” he greeted us getting out.

Yuto and Keito waved their hand at him, while I barely noticed him leaving the room.

I was curious about his sudden interest toward what I could do for those people.

Especially because, like he had said, Harada-san had always been contrary to having me offer my help to patients instead of having them come to me.

I agreed, all in all. But I had to admit it happened to see men and women wondering around the clinic, in the garden or at the beach, looking like they didn’t know what they were still doing on earth.

From time to time it was hard to keep quiet and watch them, waiting for something that most likely wasn’t going to happen.

I moved on the couch, and I started going through the charts.

Woman, forty-two. Metastatic breast cancer. I took a glimpse at the anamnesis and the personal data. Two daughters, ten and thirteen. I shivered.

Man, thirty-six. Bone cancer. The personal data’s page was mostly blank, it just says he worked at a bank. If possible, it made me feel even sadder.

Woman... girl. Twelve. Leukaemia. I threw a quick glance at Yuto, without him noticing, and I sighed. In those cases, he was most likely the best person to talk to, not me.

Man, twenty-one. Malignant tumour in his temporal lobe. No relatives. The ‘employment’ entry read ‘student’, in the messy writing of the appointed nurse.

A normal life, a normal boy, just like many others.

Ruined lives, snapped off, which weren’t going to go back on their path.

I felt compassion for all those people I still hadn’t met, which maybe I would’ve never met.

Arioka-sensei was right. They all needed help.

So what could I do for them?


	3. Chapter 3

Three months, four days.

That’s how long it had been.

The longest three months of my life, and most likely the worst.

Every moment was burned inside my mind, which was new for me. I had never cared much for details, whilst now I had to face nightmares showing me images of what my life had been since the moment Kojima-sensei had told me about the mass in my brain.

I got the biopsy.

And until I had the results, I didn’t tell anyone.

Not Kei, not Yamada, not Yabu.

I told them the tests hadn’t shown anything wrong, that I was just stressed out.

I couldn’t lie to Hikka, who had insisted to come with me to the biopsy, had stayed the whole day with me at the hospital, and then had taken me to pick up the results, saying I needed someone to be with me.

I wished I could’ve told him it wasn’t true, that I wanted to be alone, as usual, but I didn’t dare. I understood he was the one needing to be with me, not the contrary, that he was just as scared as I was.

_“The biopsy has confirmed that the mass is actually a tumour, with a presence of cancerous cells. It’s one and a half inch diameter. Useless to say we have to intervene promptly.”_

He talked, and it was like I didn’t actually understand what he was saying. For some reason, I was far more worried for Hikaru, who looked like he was about to faint.

That was why I didn’t want him there. That was why I hadn’t told anybody.

I didn’t want them to worry, to suffer for me, to cry, to feel bad.

The first instinct was to run. Leave Tokyo without saying goodbye, without having to give explanations, without being forced to see the fear on the face of those I loved, only because of me.

Now, three months later, I laughed at that thought; I could’ve never done that, not for real.

The desire to escape had disappeared slowly, and I suddenly found myself in my apartment’s living room with Kei, Ryo, Kota and Hikaru staring at me.

Kei and Ryo had cried. Yabu’s eyes were watery. The three of them avoided looking at me, in a way which had made me feel uncomfortable, annoyed.

I had asked them to stop, only managing to make Ryosuke cry harder.

In the end Kei had jumped up and had hugged me, holding me tight and crying against my shoulder as I kept still in his arms, without moving and without hugging him back.

It had been unreal, to the point that the wish to run had arrived again.

“ _You... you said it was nothing serious. You said you were going to be okay.”_

Yamada’s look was horrified, disappointed and scared, and it was almost unbearable.

Hikaru, next to him, held Ryo’s arm tight and stared at me, the saddest look I had ever seen on his face.

Yabu had asked for details, pretending a nonchalance which, I was sure, he didn’t feel at all.

And as much as I hated having to talk about it more than strictly necessary, without being able to pretend everything was fine, I had answered his questions.

He needed it, just like Kei needed to hug me, just like Hikaru needed to be close to me.

I was slipping away from their pain, but didn’t mind.

After that day, it all got worse.

The news were that, seen the position, surgery wasn’t an option.

The MRI, a month distance from the first, showed the mass was growing, slowly and constantly, despite the therapy I was following.

The sound of Kei crying, keeping me up every night.

Ryo’s eyes, every time watery and off.

Hikaru’s frustrating silence, while he seemed to have closed up in himself even more than usual.

And, in the end, Kojima-sensei had told me about the clinic.

_South Peninsula Cancer Treatment Centre._

I had no interest in it, sure that it didn’t matter where I got treated. I was just tired of hospitals, doctors, nurses, therapies and tests, and so I wasn’t very inclined to move away.

Hikaru had gathered information about the centre, and then he had tried to convince me it was the best place where I could be, that the place looked nothing like a hospital, that it had a huge garden and that it was incredibly close to the sea.

It had tempted me.

Suffocated by the greyness, a change of air might’ve not been a bad idea.

Perhaps I had tricked myself into believing it was going to change my mood too, even though I had a hard time believing that.

All I wanted was to overcome the terror filling my days, the fear of falling, fear of what was going to come, because I had no clue.

It was a sunny Friday afternoon when I finally arrived to the clinic. I had to give it to Hikaru, the place was just as good as he had described it.

Kei had taken me there by car with Yabu, who had insisted on coming along.

It had surprised me, actually; I would’ve expected it from Ryo because of his apprehension, or from Hikaru. But the latter had to work, while Yamada had just put on his best fake smile when I had told him I was going to transfer to the centre, telling me he was going to come visit as often as he could.

Kei and Yabu looked around, pointing out details of the structure, the garden or the beach, which accordingly to them were remarkable; I nodded from time to time, little interested to looking around, busier telling myself this wasn’t a holiday.

The next day I met the doctor who would’ve taken care of me, Arioka-sensei.

Surprisingly, instead of questioning me about my medical history, he wanted to know as many details as possible about my life before getting sick. He seemed genuinely interested to the human side more than the scientific one, and even though I felt it should’ve pleased me, I told myself I didn’t care whether he got to know me or not, because his job was just to keep me alive as long as possible. How I was going to spend that life, was my business only.

Only in the end, after having carefully read through the chart Kojima-sensei had written, he explained to me that on Monday I was going to start with the first round of chemo.

Hikaru had gotten informed on that too. He had given me thousands of papers about how the chemo worked, about the timing, the collateral effects.

I hadn’t read a word.

I didn’t care about that either. I was in a clinic, I was supposed to trust the team treating me. Let them be doctors, I would’ve been the patient without whining about it.

Before taking his leave, Arioka-sensei told me something about the chance to speak with the centre’s psychologist, and that his office was in the outbuilding next to the main building.

I nodded politely, but without paying too much attention to that detail. I didn’t want to talk about my illness with my friends, for sure I wasn’t going to do that with a stranger who thought he knew how I felt.

The next day, early morning, Hikaru and Yamada came to visit.

I got surprised, seeing them together; they had been knowing each other for as long as Hikaru and I, but I doubted that they had ever spent any time alone together.

“Hi Yuri!” Ryo told me, cheerfully, walking inside the room. He seemed to have gotten back some of his optimism, most likely because of the warm ambience.

“Good morning.” I muttered to them, while Hikaru smiled to me. “Why did you come?” I asked then, without minding it could’ve sounded rude.

I had woken up in a bad mood, which happened often as of late.

Kojima-sensei had warned me about this; because of the mass’ position, it was possible for me to suffer sudden mood shifts, and I had ascertained it was absolutely true.

But, after all, I thought I would’ve had those anyway, seen the situation I was in.

“This morning Yamada called me and asked me if I wanted to come here today.”

Ryo made an embarrassed smile, bringing a hand to his head.

“Yes... this morning Kei asked to borrow my car, so I didn’t really know how to come.” he justified himself.

I felt like laughing. For how little shame he usually showed, I knew he also didn’t like to ask for favours.

And, in the same way, I knew Hikaru hadn’t minded taking him at all, most likely thinking I would’ve liked to see him.

Which was only half true, actually. My desire to be alone was still there, now even more than before. But it was also true that seeing them, having them there, prevented me from thinking too much, from mulling over the same stuff.

I saw Hikaru take the chart from the end of the bed and reading it, his face getting more and more serious.

“So, are you starting chemo on Monday?” he asked, after having put it down.

Ryosuke’s face lost the smile, as if he had been abruptly taken back to reality by Hikaru’s words.

_Yes, Ryo, I’ve got cancer._

I wanted to say it out loud, but I regretted having even thought about it.

I knew he didn’t do it on purpose and that, had our roles been reversed, I would’ve been even worse than him.

“Yeah. Arioka-sensei said I have to start the first round immediately. So he can see how my organism is going to react and how many rounds are going to be necessary.” _and whether the therapy is going to help at all_ , I wanted to add. And again, I didn’t.

The conversation shifted to a new subject, because we all needed to.

Hikaru told me of a girl he had hired, who assumingly baked divine desserts, and he told me that as soon as I would’ve gotten better I should’ve gone down to taste them.

Ryo told me something about a place where he and Kei had been last night, adding we should’ve gone back there together.

They both talked about my future, about what I was going to do once I would’ve gotten better.

And I had the hardest time ever imagining that future.


	4. Chapter 4

I saw him the first time one afternoon, a few days after having read the chart Arioka-sensei had left me.

He was smoking a cigarette, sitting sloppily on one of the benches in the garden.

The common sense told me he must’ve been the boy with the temporal lobe tumour.

I had never seen him before, he wasn’t a woman nor a girl and he didn’t look thirty-six.

Chinen, I think I remembered, but I wasn’t sure.

When he started walking I looked at his face, his body, his hands, studying him. As if by his looks I could’ve gotten something about the man he was.

Right then he raised his eyes, fixating them on me.

Embarrassed, I waved at him.

“Good morning!” I told him, trying to sound as cheerful as possible. He stared at me for a while, a diehard severe look on his face.

“Hello.” he said in the end, diffident. I saw him eye the outbuilding, but I didn’t mind. He wasn’t the first one surprised by how different it looked from the main building.

And, most likely, he also knew who I was and what I did, which would’ve explained even better the wary look.

“Want to come inside for some coffee?” I asked him, not losing the smile for a second, wishing to see him do the same.

He shook his head, lowering his eyes.

“No, thanks. I have to get back inside.” I heard him mutter, then he turned his back on me and walked toward the clinic.

I sighed heavily, leaning against the balustrade of the small balcony facing the sea.

It was frustrating but, on the other hand, I knew I couldn’t do much more than that.

I couldn’t drag him inside against his will, make him sit on the couch and force him to talk to me.

I couldn’t with him, just like I couldn’t with anyone else.

Half of my job was waiting, but patience was hardly ever my ally, so much that I had often wondered if I was really a good shrink, seeing I couldn’t wait for a human being struggling for his survival to get convinced and come talk to me.

I brought my hands to my head, and I slowly starting massaging it counter-clockwise.

I was tired. Damn so.

So much I wanted to scream.

I got back inside, wondering why the face of that boy, with that look so similar to many other sick men and women I had seen, wasn’t leaving my head.

 

~

 

It had become a routine, by now.

I saw him a few times a day sneak out from the clinic’s door. He sat always on the same bench, he crossed his legs and lit up a cigarette, his eyes always on the ocean.

And I stayed there, when I could, staring at him for a while. Then he raised his eyes and stared back.

He knew I was watching him, and perhaps he just hoped I would’ve grown tired before he was forced to actually talk to me.

I always invited him inside for coffee, and he always refused.

It was some sort of ritual, which had started amusing me instead of annoying me like the first days.

As time went by his tone got less and less polite, reaching levels of irritation which I found hilarious.

It was a reaction I had seen so many times.

He was very well aware that my intention was to offer my help, help which he was sure he didn’t need.

What he hadn’t taken into account though, was my perseverance.

Annoying, I had to admit that, but in most cases it worked charms.

That morning I was watching him, as usual, fascinated.

Somehow I was glad he had decided not to come, despite my insistence.

He stared for a while at the cigarette in his hand before bringing it to his lips and lighting it up, inhaling deeply and letting the smoke out in a slow and controlled breath.

He got more tired as days went by, I noticed.

The bags under his eyes were more evident on his pale skin, his eyes were more off, his shoulders hanged lower and...

And I shouldn’t have focused so much on those details.

I remembered the words of the doctor where I had gotten my internship.

_“Never let a patient become an obsession, Takaki-kun.”_

I had always thought I was emotional, that I had at heart every patient I had, but that I still could maintain some detachment.

I never forgot the face of anyone who had been to see me, but I managed not to think about it too much.

Now though, I found myself struggling to avoid thinking about him constantly, wondering what he did before getting into the clinic, how he felt, what was going through his mind.

And I didn’t want to struggle, but I already knew I was going to end up getting hurt, because what I felt looking at him stirred something inside me which I thought I had left behind me forever.

It scared me to think about it.

While I was absorbed in those thoughts, I didn’t realize Yuto had joined me. He looked at me, curious, then he moved his eyes on Chinen.

I smiled to him, caressing his hair.

“What is it, Yutti?” I asked. He smiled back, tilting his head to escape my hand.

“Coffee’s ready, Takaki-sensei. Want me to bring it to you here?”

I thought about it for a moment, looking at Chinen again and realizing he was staring at us.

More at Yuto than me, actually.

“No, don’t worry. I’ll come inside. Just...” I stopped, thinking I was overstepping a boundary. But the idea seemed good and, generally, I trusted my instinct. “Can you do me a favour? Can you bring a coffee to that man too?” I lowered my voice, so that he wasn’t going to hear. The kid looked at me, confused, but he nodded and walked back inside the outbuilding.

I followed him, I grabbed the coffee he had poured for me and got back to my position.

Chinen looked at me, and I read some sort of bewilderment in his eyes; which only grew when he saw Yuto get out and walk toward him, cup in his hands. He held it out, without saying a word.

The whole scene looked unreal. Chinen kept staring at him, while Yuto couldn’t bring himself to raise his eyes.

In the end, he took the coffee and thanked him with a smile.

It was the first time I saw him smile.

He was a whole other person; his eyes were brighter, his features softer, so much that the severe looks I had seen on his face in the last days now seemed _wrong_ on him.

He drank the coffee and gave the cup back to Yuto, still smiling. Once the kid had turned his back on him to get back to the outbuilding, slightly embarrassed, Chinen looked at me.

He arched his eyebrows and shook his head, while I couldn’t help smiling, as if I had just won a round.

I knew it wasn’t really like that, and that it was going to take more than that to actually tempt him; but it was a step forward, and that was undeniable.

He crushed the cigarette’s stub which was still in his hands and got up.

I was pretty surprised when I saw him heading toward me, used as I was to be ignored.

When he reached me he put his hands down on the balustrade, and I couldn’t help taking a moment to look at him.

He was even more fascinating, seen up close. I could see every feature, every detail lost in distance.

I liked him, definitely.

I averted my eyes when I realized I was staring; I blushed and cleared my throat, looking straight into his eyes.

They were lazy, relaxed, almost amused.

My gesture, which I thought would’ve annoyed him more than my continuous and insistent invitation in for a coffee, seemed to have left him in a good mood.

“Don’t you think it’s immoral to corrupt a sick boy with a kid, sensei?” he asked, his voice calm.

I smiled to him, lowering my eyes.

“Not too much. I wanted to show you that if I invite you for coffee every day it’s because it’s really good. Isn't it?”

He shook his head, frustrated.

“Without a doubt.” he sighed and looked down for a moment, then he raised his eyes on me again. “Don’t think this changes anything...” he tilted his head to read my name on the white coat. “...Takaki-sensei.”

I looked at him, without saying anything. I shrugged and he, once again irritated, made as to leave.

“Come back whenever you want!” I yelled at him, and I couldn’t help smiling. I saw him stop for a moment, but he didn’t turn. He kept walking, as if I hadn’t said anything.

That afternoon had done nothing to clear my doubts about him.

I thought again about his smile, clashing with the way he looked at me, with that unreadable expression, as if he was trying to hide something.

Something I terribly wished I could see, for some strange reason.

I wanted to see past those looks. I wanted him to open. And I wanted to see him smile again, because that smile fitted him.

I wanted Chinen Yuri to come back the next day, for us to go back to that routine which seemed to get him a little closer to a request for help that must’ve looked unsayable to him.

It didn’t matter how long it was going to take, because I had never been one to give up at the first attempt.

I went back inside the outbuilding, staring one last time at the bench he had been sitting on, aware that he was going to be there the next day, ready to make himself a victim to my mania.

Because it was one, I was sure now. And I probably needed to take a step back, but I had no intention to do so.

_Never let a patient become an obsession, Takaki-kun._


	5. Chapter 5

Takaki Yuya.

I finally knew his name.

He had irritated me, and a lot, during the past days.

He was insistent, and that got on my nerves.

Every time, when I raised my eyes from the bench where I sat down to smoke, he was there staring at me, as if he was expecting something from me.

What was that he wanted?

For me to walk inside that damn outbuilding, sit in front of him and start crying because my life sucked? To tell him I couldn’t stand the thought of being sick, that I couldn’t stand the looks of all those surrounding him, that I’d have rather die right now than going on with that pointless existence?

I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction, not to get as a result to see a smile on his face, and most likely hearing him say everything was going to be alright, that until I had people loving me I also had a reason to live.

I was tired, so tired. Exhausted without doing anything.

I had just gotten back to my room, and I got almost horrified when I saw Kei and Yabu.

I gritted my teeth, full of an anger that I didn’t know I had.

I collapsed on the bed, ignoring them. I saw them exchange a confused look, but when they spoke their voices were cheerful, as usual.

“How was it today? What did you do?” Yabu asked.

_I’ve started the second round of chemo, after having spent the past week throwing up._

_I looked in the mirror for an hour, brushing a hand through my hair and seeing them go in locks, and I stopped before it showed, because I don’t want you to see I'm sick. Then I’ve smoked a cigarette and I’ve been stalked once again by a much too charitable shrink. No doubt more than you’ve done this past month._

That was the stream of words crossing my mind.

They would’ve hurt him, and I stopped just in time before actually saying them.

They would’ve hurt him because he wasn’t going to understand how sick I actually was, for my stubbornness in wanting to pretend everything was peachy.

And they would because it was true that it was more than he had done the past month; Yabu lived home with his mother, orphaned by a father who had left them millions of yen, and he had never worked a day in his life.

He would’ve gotten embarrassed, and for a moment I thought that I wouldn’t have minded humiliating him.

I breathed in a couple of times, and I managed to calm down.

I hated the person I was becoming, I hated the incontrollable anger, the one leading me to think stuff like that about people who just wanted to be next to me, who wanted to help.

“Nothing much. I got up late this morning. Had lunch. Then I took a walk in the garden and I smoked one.” I replied, like a robot.

Seeing I wasn’t going on, they both sat next to me, just staying quiet.

Then Kei, taken by that maternal instinct I had never cared much for, stretched his hand to grab mine.

I pulled away, harshly, twisting his wrist.

I hadn’t hurt him, I was sure; not physically.

I didn’t look at him, because I already knew what expression he had.

Disappointment, confusion. Perhaps a few tears, because that would’ve been typical.

I turned my back on them.

“I'm tired. I think I’ll try to get some rest.” I told them, with the clear intent of making them leave.

More silence, then it was Yabu who spoke.

“Fine. We’ll let you sleep, we’ll see you soon. Let’s go, Kei-chan.” he murmured, his voice off.

_Don’t come back. Please, don’t come back ever again._

But, once again, I kept that to myself.

 

~

 

And Ryo came too, tireless, and after him it was Hikaru’s turn.

I couldn’t take it anymore, but some part of my brain was still sane enough to imagine that both Ryo and Hikaru weren’t Yabu and Kei, and that they weren’t going to cave so easily.

Hikka was sitting next to me, he listened to Ryosuke’s ranting, his whining about how much weight I had lost and how the bag under my eyes had gotten deeper.

Oddly enough, I felt like laughing.

He talked just to fill the silence and play the concerned enough friend. He prevented the subject to fall on matters I didn’t want to talk about.

When he left, I was alone with Hikaru. He kept looking at me for a while, crossing his arms on the bed and resting his chin on them.

“So... how do you feel?” he asked, in the end. I arched an eyebrow, ironical.

“I’ve had that question asked to me only fifteen times today.” I replied, sourly. He shrugged, and smiled.

“I can imagine that. But I want to know how you _feel_. For real.”

And that was Yaotome Hikaru.

He didn’t like being lied to, and he had the ability of pushing someone to say what he wanted to hear, without having to insist.

With him, somehow, it was easier talking than it was with anybody else.

He never told me it was going to be fine; he didn’t tell me I was going to be well soon, he didn’t tell me I shouldn’t surrender.

He talked about the present, about how I was and how I felt, as if he didn’t care about anything else.

I was grateful to him, on one hand, of that; on the other, trying to keep to myself with him like I did with others was next to impossible.

“I feel bad. Chemo is destroying me. I always feel tired, I’ve got headaches and nausea all the time. And then...” I bit my lip, uncertain whether to tell him or not. But in the end I decided that keeping it from him was pointless. “My hair has started falling out.” I said, combing through them to show him. He smiled, sadly, patting my arm.

“You knew it was going to happen, didn’t you?” he asked, with a tenderness I wouldn’t have thought he had, but still managing to keep his demeanour. I nodded slowly, then I shrugged.

“Yes, I did. But it makes an impression still the same.” I murmured in the end.

We kept quiet for a while, most likely both mulling over the same things; then he raised his eyes and I saw him smirking, the same smirk he had whenever he tried to make me do something I didn’t want to.

I wasn’t wrong.

“Did you talk with the clinic’s shrink?” he asked. I opened my eyes wide and rushed to sit up, trying to keep my gag reflex in check for the sudden motion.

“What do you mean?” I replied, cautious. That was most likely the last subject I wanted to take on; next to the cancer, of course.

“Well, I’ve heard Arioka-sensei telling the clinic’s got a psychologist. I made some research; he’s young, but they say he’s good. He’s well-liked.” he informed me. I grimace, shaking my head.

“I don’t need to talk to anybody, thank you so much. Even less with some stranger demanding to understand how I feel.”

Hikaru smiled at me, condescendingly.

“Trying is free, right? You should go, maybe it’ll really be useful, in the end.” he tried to convince me, with his reasonable and calm voice, the same he had always used with me.

I pondered.

Normally, I would’ve said he was right. I had no wish to see any shrink but, as he had said, I had nothing to lose. And it would’ve also meant not having to deal with him trying to convince me.

But... that man had annoyed me. Deeply.

Had I never seen him before, hadn’t he tried to convince me to go see him, hadn’t he sent me coffee with that kid... yes, then perhaps it would’ve been easier to convince me.

But right now, all I did was trying to come up with a good enough excuse to make Hikaru let this go.

Too bad I came up empty.

“So? Will you go?” he asked, after having waited a while for an answer.

I shook my head, nonchalant.

“You know I don’t like to talk. I don’t like to talk with my friends, you’re the only one with whom I dare touch the illness subject, and I do that just because you coerce me. I don’t even want to imagine how it would be with a stranger. It’s not for me.” I said, looking into his eyes and expecting to see him laugh. It didn’t happen.

“I'm not a doctor. I'm not a shrink. You need to talk to someone who can really help you.” he murmured, off. I bit my lip.

It was easier to say no to a grinning Hikaru than it was doing that to an Hikaru passing through one of his moments of melancholy, which I had learnt to know so well.

“You’re my friend. And it really helps me to talk with you.” I tried to soothe him, a voice much sweeter than I had used with anyone in months. He gave me half a smile.

“A friend. Yeah... thanks.” he said, and I found that last comment pretty pointless, but I chose not to investigate. “Can’t you go at least once? Just to make me be at ease. I'm begging you.” his tone, so frustrated, made me sigh.

It was hard to resist, if he begged.

I snorted, turning to the other side.

“Fine, I'm going. Once, to prove that’s completely useless. And I'm not doing this to make you happy, just to make you stop insisting.” I clarified, but I couldn’t avoid his smile.

I let my head fall down heavily on the pillow and I closed my eyes.

Something told me that the next day Takaki-sensei was going to have the very same smile on his face.

He was going to think he had won, convincing me to go see him. It was a thought which bothered me a lot, but I had already given my word to Hikaru.

At least, coffee was good. Little comfort.

I fell asleep thinking about what was waiting for me, uneasy.

Thoughts crowded up my mind, doing nothing but exacerbate the headache which hadn’t left me in months.

I wondered if it was going to be like this till the end.

It was like I felt the tumour push inside my head, as if I was aware of it growing, a sword of Damocles hanging over me.

I sighed, pushing my face against the pillow to hide the light.

It was absurd.

Let the shrink explain to me what was going through my mind.

 


	6. Chapter 6

That morning, I had woken up in a bad shape.

I had it the alarm clock twice before I had managed to get up, Natsumi calling me.

I had had nightmares, without a doubt, but I couldn’t remember them.

I hadn’t had breakfast, and I was hoping that Yuto’s coffee was going to get me in a better mood.

I had gotten to the clinic twenty minutes late, and opening the door I had gotten ready to apologise to Keito, but as soon as I walked in I froze.

Sitting on the couch, the usual gloomy look on his face, there was Chinen.

He had a cup of coffee in his hands, as if he was trying to decide whether to drink it or not.

I saw Keito and Yuto throw a glance at me, both confused and warning.

Chinen raised his head and glared at me.

“It was about time.” was his greeting. I bit my tongue, to avoid being rude.

Damn it. I had been waiting for this moment for days, and I wasn’t about to ruin everything because of his bad mood or mine.

“I'm sorry. I got a hard time getting up this morning.” I apologized, bowing my head. I got to the coffee maker, pouring myself a cup of still hot coffee, then I went sitting in front of the couch.

I kept watching him, without saying a thing.

It was incredibly hard to start a conversation with him, more than it normally was with other patients.

He kept staring, with that challenging look which made me uncomfortable, and that at the same time made me want to pick up the challenge, trying to make him trust me.

“What has finally convinced you to come here?” I asked, still smiling. He arched an eyebrow.

“As good as it is, trust me when I say it’s not for the coffee.” he said, then he threw an apologetic glance at Yuto, who anyway had turned toward the kitchen and didn’t seem to have heard. “A friend of mine has practically forced me to come, at least once. So if you could start asking your questions, I can answer with something banal and in an hour we should be done with the farce.” he said, leaning back against the couch.

He closed his eyes for a split second, and I thought I saw a pained look on his face, but it was too fast to actually pinpoint it.

“We could start introducing ourselves, don’t you think so?” I suggested, making a point of pretending I didn’t know his name. He nodded briefly, then he muttered ‘Chinen Yuri’. “Thanks. As I'm sure you’ve read yesterday, I'm Takaki Yuya. Now I'd say we can start. Is there something you’d like to talk about?” wrong question, most likely. In the light of how he had ended up here, it was obvious he would’ve burst out laughing. Which happened.

“I'd like to keep quiet for the following fifty minutes, but I'm not quite to the point of wanting to waste your time completely. So... if you want to ask, suit yourself.” he replied, sharp.

I sighed. I wanted to tell him it wasn’t how I worked, that I’d rather have a conversation with him like two civilized people, not an ordinary back-and-forth.

But I knew he wasn’t going to appreciate nor collaborate, so I bent to his conditions.

“Fine. Want to start telling me who’s the friend who’s convinced you to come here? He must have a certain influence over you if he persuaded you to go against your principles.” I told him, provoking. He made a half smile, and his eyes became vacuous.

“Yaotome Hikaru. He’s a good friend of mine, I’ve met him through my best friend’s boyfriend.” he said, smiling while talking about him.

“How long have you known him?” I asked then, curious. I wondered how he had gotten himself convinced to come to me, when I had been trying for days to lure him here, to talk with me, to establish any form of contact.

“I’ve known him four years ago when Kei, the friend I told you about, has started dating Yabu. One night we all went out together, Yabu brought him and... we clicked, that’s all.”

I nodded, briefly.

I wondered if he wasn’t going to try letting the time go by avoiding talking about himself. But if that’s what he wanted to do, I would’ve gone with the flow. After all, I might’ve understood something about him even through the people he loved.

“Do you have any other friend?” I asked, direct. I saw him smile, and for once there was no irony in it.

“Are you wondering if this bad attitude of mine I can actually have relationships with other people? I assure you, I was much more malleable before...” he paused and I saw a shadow on his face, but it was only a moment. “I mostly go out with Kei and another old schoolmate of mine, Yamada Ryosuke. I’ve been knowing them for years, and from back then we’ve always been close. Kei and I share an apartment.” once again I saw him get gloomier, and I didn’t investigate further.

He distractedly brushed a hand through his hair and some of them got stuck there, being pulled away easily.

Chinen blushed, briefly looking at me.

“I'm sorry.” he murmured, getting up to throw them in the trash. I sighed.

Whether I liked it or not, whether he liked it or not, it was about time to get to more serious subjects.

“Want to talk to me about your condition?” I asked, keeping my voice steady. He kept still, his face suddenly frozen.

“No. But I suppose it makes no difference.” he sighed, bringing his hands to his head. “What do you want to know?”

I shrugged.

“Whatever goes through your mind is going to do.” I reassured him, making him smile again.

“I wasn’t expecting it, that’s for sure. My doctor has explained to me that in most cases the cancer presents itself when a subject is genetically predisposed. And there have actually been similar cases in my father’s family. It’s just that... well, I suppose I must have thought nothing was going to happen to me, right?” he pulled a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket, showing it to me. “It’s like the ‘smoking kills’ writing. I read it every day, every time I light one up. And I think that I’ve smoked up until now and nothing’s happened to me, so there’s no reason why I should get something like lung cancer, a heart attack or a stroke.” he sighed again and lowered his eyes, embarrassed. “Stupid, don’t you think so?”

I shook my head, and not for fake comprehension. I could really understand what he was saying, it was that vicious circle of thoughts leading every human being to believe they’re invincible.

Until they have to face the cruel reality of their nature.

“It’s not stupid. We all think nothing’s going to happen to us. Nor to the people we love. I believe it’s a way to protect ourselves, somehow. To live our days with some peace.” I shrugged. It’s not wrong, after all. If we were to get worried about what can happen to us, we’d all live in anxiety, don’t you think so?”

He brought a hand to his mouth and started torturing his lips with his fingernails.

“True. But now I have to face something I had never thought about before.” he murmured, his voice getting less and less confident as he kept talking.

“And what would have changed if one morning you would’ve gotten up and said ‘Perhaps one day I'm going to get cancer’? Would you be more prepared to what you’re facing now?” I had been harsh. Without beating around the bush, but I figured he wouldn’t have liked that.

“No. I suppose I’d feel exactly how I feel now.” he said, averting his eyes from me and pointing them on the landscape outside, absorbed.

“Which is?”

He smiled, again.

Something I could’ve gotten used to.

“Always tired. Wanting to be alone. Annoyed by every little thing.” he blushed and bowed his head, apologetic. I smiled back.

“Go on.”

He got exasperated, shaking his head.

“I always feel like screaming, to yell at my friends to leave me alone and not stay there watching me, because it’s only going to get them hurt. I wish I could go to sleep and...”

“And?” I spurred him on. He kept quiet for a few seconds and I didn’t insist, willing to give him the time he needed.

“And not wake up the following morning.” he whispered, low, as if it was a secret. He got up, heading toward the door. “Well, I think that exceeds your expectations on me, doesn’t it Takaki-sensei?” he said, feigning nonchalance. I stood up as well, walking him to the threshold.

“I can’t deny I feared we would’ve spent the whole hour staring at each other in the eyes. So... yes, under a professional point of you, I can say I'm satisfied.” I said, opening the door. He shook his head, with the same look he had had before he finally decided to come here.

“I have to go now. Kei is come to visit for sure, and he’s got to be wondering where the hell I am.”

“Will you come back?” I bit my tongue as soon as I said that. Too direct, too fast... my voice too hopeful, and not professional at all.

“I’m not ruling that out.” was his obscure answer, then he walked out. “Have a nice day, sensei.” he said, waving at Yuto and Keito, suddenly appeared by my side.

Again, I stared at him, fascinated.

There was still much I didn’t grasp in him. I didn’t know whether he was going to be back or not but I sure hoped that more than I had shown.

I knew he was in pain, and that he didn’t want to let anyone see that.

I had understood he cared for those he loved from how he talked about them, from how he talked about his illness itself.

I had gotten much, but I had understood halfway.

Had he come back I would’ve liked to make it whole, to dive inside his mind, to learn to know him and, perhaps, help him.

Chinen Yuri was a much better person than he cared to show, without a doubt.

A person I wanted to see again, a person I wasn’t going to grow tired of.

_I wish I could go to sleep and not get up the following morning._

I shivered thinking about it, and I tried to tell myself that my interest in him was justified by a professional point of view.

And it was, but it wasn’t all.

I wanted to tear him away from that feeling, to the idea that dying could be the best thing, that what he was going through was worse than death itself.

I wanted to tell him that he had to live because he owed it to himself, but I knew I had no right to do that.

“Don’t let any patient become an obsession, Yuya.” I told myself, once again, like a mantra I couldn’t follow.

It was too damn late.


	7. Chapter 7

I was disappointed in myself.

I had gone there with the intent of keeping quiet, or at least to lead the conversation so that it wouldn’t get too personal.

Useless to say I had miserably failed.

That man had something weird in him. As much as his smile could annoy me, as unbelievable as I found the whole situation, I couldn’t help talking too much, saying out loud things I had only just thought until now.

Back in my room, as I thought, I found Kei.

He came down regularly, even for days in a row whenever he managed to make time from work. He brought me clean clothes, he kept me some company and he asked about the therapy, how I felt, what the doctors had said.

He often brought something to eat, something definitely better than what they gave me at lunch and dinner. And every time it was the same ritual: he handed me the cookies, the slice of cake or whatever he had brought that day, I smiled and told him I was going to eat that after dinner.

Then, since I didn’t like wasting food, I brought that to a kid a few years younger than me, with whom I happened to chat a little in front of the vending machines.

I wasn’t being mean; I just couldn’t it, it was torture. Nurses insisted for me to put something in my stomach, or they were going to be forced to feed me through IVs. And I, convinced by their logic, accepted. The nausea got unbearable before I was finished eating.

I had lost a lot of weight, but I supposed that Kei hadn’t noticed that or had blamed it on the drugs. Which, actually, was true.

“Hi, Yu.” he told me, hugging me.

He did that more often, lately.

I hated that. Not that he hugged me per se, but... the passion he put in it. As if he couldn’t do it anymore, very soon.

“Hi, Kei-chan.” I told him, lazily, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“Where were you?” he asked, curious. Rarely, when he came in the morning, he found me out of my room.

I bit my tongue. I didn’t really want to tell him where I was, to explain how Hikka had convinced him.

To tell him what I had said to Takaki-sensei, because he was my best friend and he would’ve wanted to know. I got that, perhaps.

“I went smoking and I took a walk in the garden. It’s nice outside, it feels good.” I told him, nonchalant. He looked at me, tilting his head.

Weird talent he had, to understand when I lied to him.

And pretend he didn’t know.

He nodded, serious, then he turned to a corner of the room where he had put down a bag.

“I brought you a few books. I thought you were getting bored here, maybe you’d like to read something.”

I smiled to him, honestly grateful.

“Thanks, Kei-chan. Actually, it’s not like I’ve got much to do here, even if with you, Kota, Hikka and Ryo it’s rare for me to be alone.”

Had I said that a while before, perhaps there would’ve been some repressed grudge in my voice, and I wouldn’t have been able to explain why. Right now though, it was just a fact, something I could even appreciate.

Had the good mood gotten back at the perspective of having something to do or was it just another of those mood swings I had been warned about?

I sighed, trying to mask the sudden concern.

Kei stayed with me for about an hour, then he told me he had stuff to do.

Like him, I was perfectly capable of telling when he was lying, and I recognized his delicacy in wanting to leave me alone for a while, understanding I probably needed it.

I thanked him in my mind, and I smiled to him.

I couldn’t really do better than that.

 

~

 

I spent the afternoon alone.

Hikka called, to know whether I had gone to the psychologist or not.

Then, as Takaki-sensei had, he asked if I were going to go back, getting the same answer as the shrink.

Yabu texted, apologizing about the day before, and then asking me if I was okay with them coming the following days.

I smiled. Yabu had always had this thing of apologising even when he wasn’t the one in the wrong.

I told him I was sorry and that I would’ve been glad to see him; that too, a half-truth.

But what was I supposed to tell him, anyway?

Stay home?

Have fun, while I'm here?

Forget I exist, pretend I'm dead? _Already_ dead.

I sighed.

I wished I could find again some of the optimism I had before all this, but as the days went by, hope kept getting more and more feeble.

Arioka-sensei was never too specific when he visited me, he just said the mass was growing, slowly but constantly.

That chemo was having effect, because the growth would’ve been worse without it.

The drugs’ cocktail burnt in my veins through the IV’s needle, and its effects were debilitating.

Nausea came right away. Then the weakness, which made me feel as if I couldn’t even stand. I felt my mouth and tongue burning for days, so that even if I had had some appetite, I would’ve found impossible to eat something.

And then there was the hair thing.

It was the only thing which didn’t cause any physical discomfort to me, but it was the one I disliked the most; it was the only one preventing me from lying to myself, and that sooner or later was going to prevent me from lying to others.

I went to the bathroom, and I looked myself into the damn mirror.

If I looked close, I could spot where whole locks had fallen out, as if they had never been attached to the scalp.

Again, I combed through.

Lock after lock, hair after hair.

It was impossible to stop.

At some point I thought I was about to start crying, but I didn’t have the strength for that.

A few tufts were left after I was done, and I cared to cut and shave them right away.

Then, finally, I looked at myself in the mirror again.

 _You’re sick, Yuri_ I told to the reflection, a reflection which didn’t belong to me, of a man who wasn’t me anymore.

I thought it was colder without hair, and I laughed at the shallow thought.

I averted my eyes slowly and went back to the room. I laid down on the bed and looked at the time.

Six in the afternoon.

Migraine was there, as usual.

I just needed to decide whether it was easier to stay awake or sleep, and in the end I opted for the second.

I couldn’t take thinking anymore.

 

~

 

Next morning, Arioka-sensei woke me up.

I had to go on with the treatment, I had to get yet another, pointless IV.

“You’ve decided to shave them, I see.” was his first comment after greeting me.

He was calm, colloquial.

I imagined he had seen hundreds of cases just like mine.

I shrugged and nodded.

“I counterattacked chemo. I took them away before it could.” I said, pretending to be cheerful about it.

He smiled, most likely imagining how I felt despite my words.

He started mixing the drugs, then he watched the nurse sticking the needle in.

It was weird how it always looked bigger to me.

I thought I would’ve gotten used to it, that it wouldn’t have hurt anymore, that my arm, looking more and more like a colander by now, would’ve gotten used to the continuous intrusions.

My skin had gotten more sensitive instead, as much as brushing it seemed to hurt.

The skin inside the joint was bruised, but somehow I had to clench my teeth and go on, because I had no choice.

I had reached my limit already, and something told me it was still too soon.

I wasn’t ready, but I was never going to be.

I knew it was going to happen, I kept telling myself that it wasn’t going to be much longer, that there was no hope for me, and I had surrendered to that.

But I couldn’t yield to the damages time was bringing upon my body, I couldn’t yield to the inexorability of my decaying, consuming. If on one hand I feared the fatal moment, on the other I wanted it to come as soon as possible.

I was tired to look at myself in the mirror every morning and see a dying man.

“Arioka-sensei... how’s the therapy going?” I asked, trying to keep my mind off the pain in my arm slowly irradiating.

It was a question I asked almost every day; he was the only one with whom I couldn’t bother looking stoic, it would’ve been pointless.

I couldn’t lie to him. He knew I wasn’t okay, no matter how good I was at masking the illness.

He sighed, looking at the IV.

“It’s going. As I said, it’s not good nor bad. Chemotherapy acts on the cancer and slows its growth down, but it’s not able to stop it. Tomorrow we’re going to get another MRI, to get an idea of the level of the mass.” he paused, adjusting the drugs’ flow. “It’s needless to say that, just like the drugs act on the cancer, they act on the rest of the organism. So nausea, lack of appetite and everything else it’s perfectly normal.” he clarified.

Yes, it was needless.

He said that every time, and every time I told him I understood.

But I didn’t think he was pedantic; I knew every symptom was due to the chemo, but I also knew that their presence could’ve caused panic.

Somehow, it made me feel relieved to hear that. At least, those weren’t symptoms I could ascribe to the tumour.

“And... migraine? That’s not the chemo, right? I had that before starting the therapy.” I asked then, feeling like a little kid. I lowered my eyes, embarrassed. The answer was obvious, but I still wanted to hear it from him.

“No, it’s not the chemo. Seen the mass’ position and dimension, it’s normal for you to have a continuous headache. If it were to become unbearable though, let the on-call nurse know and we’ll make you have some painkillers.” he said, with his usual kindness. I shook my head.

“I can bear it. It’s a nice ornament to everything else.” I replied, in a barely audible whisper.

He left after a while, wishing me a good day and telling me to rest.

Again, I had let him leave without asking him the most important question of all, the one torturing me for months now.

I didn’t know whether I was ever going to have the courage to ask, nor I knew if he would’ve answered, but it was part of that pile of things tormenting me day and night.

_Arioka-sensei... I'm going to die, am I not?_


	8. Chapter 8

It had been a week.

A week, and every day I saw him sitting on the same bench, I saw him smoking and then leaving, without even raising his eyes on me anymore, without daring to throw a glance my way.

I was frustrated.

He had shaved his head. I knew he was going to, sooner or later. They all tried to ignore the disease and challenge it, and they never managed to do that.

It devoured them from the inside until they couldn’t lie anymore, and they were forced to take countermeasures.

Drastic, in that case.

I would’ve liked to talk about that too, with him.

The more the days went by the more I realized that interest had turned into obsession, that the obsession had become concern, and that that concern scared me, somehow.

I kept watching him, unable to do or say something to help him.

I felt the insane desire of going next to him, even keeping silent, but letting him feel the warmth of my skin next to his. To let him know I was there.

I shook my head, bothered by my own thoughts.

It wasn’t normal, at all.

For a while I had now wondered what attracted me, and I couldn’t find an answer. I had asked myself too many questions, found too absurd justifications.

Until I had been forced to compromise with myself, admitting that my interest wasn’t professional anymore, that it wasn’t social either.

I was just a man, looking at another man in a way he shouldn’t have.

I had unburied that part of me I thought had died the day of my wedding with Natsumi.

That part of me which was confused, which denied reality. The one which had been too young to take responsibility for its own actions.

The one which had always been scared of other people’s judgement, and which had forced itself in the bed of women it didn’t even remember the names of, just to conform to the mass.

That version of myself which, years later, kept disgusting me.

Then Natsumi had gotten pregnant, and I had been forced to stop. To bring my lie to levels I had never thought possible.

I loved my daughters like nothing else in the world, and I really cared for that woman who day after day had stood my pretence, without blinking an eye.

Pretending that the man she had accepted to marry hadn’t always been attracted by men.

I had never asked what had led her to be with me anyway, perhaps fearing an answer I couldn’t like. I was afraid of making her doubt, making her understand that she had chosen the wrong path, that her place wasn’t next to me; that she could’ve gotten out of our home and finally feel desired, satisfied.

Something I had never been able to give her.

But never until now I had thought things could actually change. I had accepted her dissatisfaction, her frustration, which had always kept good company to mine.

Now that I was attracted to him, like I had never been from anyone, it was like that castle of certainties was wavering; sad certainties, but which made me feel safe, which allowed me to avoid facing reality.

Now they showed themselves in all their falsity, and they proved to me how bitter it was that seeming morality I had convinced myself being right, making me only a worse man, worse as the days went by, with the growth of my interest toward Chinen Yuri.

I bit my tongue, nervously, and I cursed him. I didn’t understand what had lured me in, and I blamed his reluctance, awaking inside me a manic curiosity, the desire to find out what hid beneath that face, the desire to find out what was hiding in his heart, which he had no intention of showing to me.

The desire to know if, even a little, he had an interest also.

I felt ashamed at this thought.

I should’ve tried to find a way to get out of that hellish circle of thoughts, leading only to him and my uselessness, instead I got more and more reeled inside that story happening only in my head.

The desire to ask him how he felt, to be next to him, was by far greater than any common sense or professionalism.

But I was in, and I knew there was no getting out of it.

 

~

 

I was in front of his door.

I didn’t know what to do.

I stared at it, wondering how far my madness was going to lead me.

I didn’t know if the wish to see him was what spurred me on or if it was just resignation, but in the end I gathered up the courage and knocked.

It took him a few seconds to answer, the time needed for doubt to assail me again, for me to think about leaving and pretend nothing had happened.

But when I heard that ‘come in’ in that low voice, I told myself it was pointless to turn around, it was pointless to run.

I got in, slowly.

He was sitting on the windowsill, the window open; he was staring in front of himself, and he didn’t even turn to look.

“Chinen-san?” I murmured, almost afraid of interrupting the train of his thoughts.

I thought I saw him jump a little, but perhaps I had only imagined that.

“Good afternoon, Takaki-sensei.” he replied, his voice tired. “What brings you here?” he asked.

I bit my lip, feeling like an idiot.

What brought me there?

How should have I answered?

What had I been thinking? That I just needed to walk through that door, that all I needed was to be in the same room as him to suddenly feel better?

I took a deep breath and tried to smile; pointless, perhaps, since he kept not watching me.

“I was expecting to see you again. I thought we had managed to build something, you and I. And... I was hoping you felt like talking some more, to tell me how you’ve felt lately.” I told him, in a rush.

Finally, he turned; I couldn’t interpret his face, I just knew there was a mild irony on it, together with that background sadness which had been there since the moment I had first laid my eyes on him.

“You mustn’t be so busy if you have the time to come begging for patients.” he replied, in that bitter tone I had gotten used to.

I shrugged, determined not to let his attitude make me back off.

“You’re not wrong. There aren't many people who decide to come talk to me, who choose to vent. They’re all afraid to face the illness, I suppose. They’re afraid that talking about it makes it real, too real to be stood.” I hesitated unsure as to how go on. “But... you’ve opened with me, last week. You told me how you feel and, in part, what you think of your condition. I know you didn’t come to me for that, that if it had been for you, you would’ve never set foot in the outbuilding. But in the end you came, you talked and... I didn’t think you were too disappointed, that’s all.” I finished, sighing.

Lost in my monologue, he had kept staring at me, and I couldn’t help noticing how his frown had deepened.

He got up, extremely slow, and he walked toward me until we were only a few inches apart.

I felt ashamed, but I couldn’t deny I shivered.

“What do you want from me, exactly?” he hissed. “Can you tell me why you can’t leave me be? Am I that interesting on a psychologic point of view? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think here’s full of human relics, just like me, I don’t understand what I have that they don’t. I don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with me, Takaki-sensei.” he burst, his voice loud.

I felt the instinct of closing my eyes, but I resisted; somehow, his words had hurt me. And they had because I knew I couldn’t answer, not in a satisfying way at least.

I stared at him for a while. He stayed there in front of me, looking back at me with those eyes filled with anger.

Again, I felt like running, and again I resisted.

“The point is this, Chinen-san. The point is that here is full of human relics, of people who have lost hope, who have lost contact with reality because they feel they’re not a part of it anymore. But you’re not like that; until you’ll have the strength to get angry, at me or whomever, until you’ll have the strength to feel this _hatred_ for what’s happened to you, then it’ll mean you haven’t surrendered yet.” I replied, with a steadier tone than before.

I genuinely believed what I just told him; it wasn’t everything, of course, but it was the best answer I had for him right now.

It was what fascinated me in him, what pushed me to wanting him close. The fact that he could hate, be angry, meant that he still felt something. And it was what he needed, and what I needed as well.

Believing not all was lost.

Right then, I thought he was going to hit me; and perhaps he really wanted to, but he held back.

He turned his back on me again instead, and stared outside the window.

“The fact that I haven’t surrendered” he said, point-blank. “Proves nothing.” he pointed at the chart at the end of the bed. “That doesn’t change, does it? My illness doesn’t give a damn that I can still hate, that I can still feel _anything_.” he said, his tone calm.

I kept silent, because his reasoning was far too linear and logic for me to reply.

“Go away, please.” he murmured.

I closed my eyes, sighing.

“Will you come back to me?” I asked, in a last, desperate attempt at not letting him slip away from me.

I saw his back tensing and I recognized the signs of his exasperation; but when he spoke, his voice was still controlled.

“If it’ll make you feel better, I'm not ruling that out.” he conceded.

I nodded briefly, even though he couldn’t see me, and I rushed out of the room.

I closed the door behind me, then I leant against the wall and brushed my hands over my face.

There was something in the way he had spoken to me convincing me he was actually going to come.

And he was right: it was what I needed to feel better.

I just hoped it was going to make him feel better too.


	9. Chapter 9

I knew I should’ve gotten mad.

I knew what Takaki-sensei had done that afternoon was everything but professional.

But anger left room to a confusion and curiosity I couldn’t explain.

I went to the bathroom, turned the lights on and stared at my reflection.

What I saw hadn’t changed: there was always the same man with his face marked by an illness he hated more and more every day, a man who felt defeated but who hadn’t surrendered. The same man staring at me sorrowfully, almost mocking me because we kept staring at each other in search for a solution that, clearly, didn’t exist.

Where was I different from the others?

What interested him, what pushed him to keep trying and search for a contact, day after day?

Not understanding that was quite frustrating, and I definitely didn’t need that.

I walked back inside the room and sat on the sill again; the window faced the main entrance and the sea, but I wasn’t interested in the waves, the horizon or anything which would’ve helped calm me down; I stared at the faces of those walking inside, mostly.

Some were just sad. Some bore grudge. Many anger, even more resignation.

Then, from time to time, there were some who got out smiling, and it was them I liked to watch.

I imagined my friends walking out of there with the same look on their faces; I didn’t really believe that, but thinking about it brought me some peace of mind.

I heard knocking and I sighed, then I invited in whoever was outside the door.

I got relaxed when I saw Hikaru.

“Hi, Yu.” he told me, smiling. The desire to smile back got more and more feeble as the days went by, especially now, with the distress Takaki-sensei had left behind.

But I did it anyway, as I always did, and as always he arched an eyebrow, proving he had noticed how forced it was.

“Hi, Hikka.” I told him, getting away from the windowsill. “How come you’re here? Weren’t you supposed to work today?” I asked, curious.

Yaotome shrugged, getting closer and pinching my cheek, as he would’ve done with a child.

“I wanted to see you. I couldn’t come often this week.”

“You don’t have to worry. If you don’t have time you don’t, I'm not asking for you to come here every day. You’ve got your life, after all, don’t mind me.” I told him, biting my lower lip.

He sighed, sitting down on the bed and brushing a hand over his face, frustrated.

“Yuri, how can you ask me that? I don’t give a damn about my job and my life, I want to be here with you. I want to be with you as much as I can and...” he lowered his eyes, blushing. “I wish you’d understand.”

I kept quiet, trying to put some order to his words.

I knew how much he cared about me, and I him.

And I had always known that what bound me to him was different than with Kei or Ryo, but I had never given that much thought.

Hikaru had been the one to convince me getting tests, Hikaru had been the one getting information about the clinic, Hikaru was the one trying to be with me as much as he could, and to support me without being invasive.

As if he was inside of my head and always knew what I needed to feel good.

“I know, Hikka. But... when I say you shouldn’t I'm doing it for you, because I don’t want you standing there watching while I...” I sighed, but in the end I looked straight into his eyes, serious. “While I die.” I finished.

Hikaru stood up, in front of me, and for the first time since I had been diagnosed I saw tears at the corners of his eyes.

He leant toward me and hugged me. He held me tight, his face resting on my shoulder, most likely to try and hide the fact that he was crying.

But it didn’t matter, because it would’ve bothered me from anybody else, but I was going to allow it to Hikaru without saying a thing.

He could cry all he wanted, because he made me want to cry too, to make me cry my eyes out, something I had forbidden to myself up until now.

“Hikaru... it’s going to be fine.” I murmured, holding him as well, and I heard him chuckle.

“I should be the one saying that to you, shouldn’t I?”

I shrugged, as to say it didn’t matter, and I went sitting on the bed, feeling tired all of a sudden.

Without saying a word he headed to the bathroom and washed his face before joining me again.

“So.” he started, as if nothing had happened. “What have you done of incredibly exciting today?” he asked, ironic.

I hit his arm and shook my head.

“No adventure in particular, today. I'm keeping well rested for the moments of pure adrenaline.” I replied, sarcastic. “I did nothing. I read some of the books Kei brought, I took a walk on the beach to smoke. And then...” I bit my tongue, unsure as to how much telling him. “And then Takaki-sensei was here. The shrink.”

Hikaru frowned, looking confused.

“What was he doing here? Doesn’t he see patients at the outbuilding?”

I sighed.

I didn’t really feel like talking about him, not right now.

There was something in the feelings I got talking with Takaki which got me uncomfortable, as if what I felt while with him was wrong, even though I couldn’t really put a name to those feelings.

His presence and his interest toward me bothered me, a lot.

But on the other hand, he represented for me the same attractive I seemed to represent for him.

Because I wanted to know what he thought and the reason behind his tenacity.

And, a little perhaps, also the reason for that sadness in his eyes, even though the work he had there at the clinic and the almost never positive outcome of his care justified him.

“He wanted to know why I hadn’t come back. You know, after the first appointment.” I shrugged. “He’s not very good at walking inside the lines, I guess.”

I saw Hikaru throw a glance at me, but he didn’t comment.

I snorted.

He had always been better than me at understanding what was going through my mind, and for the first time that particular talent of him annoyed me.

I didn’t want him to know what I thought of Takaki.

I for one didn’t want to think about it.

 

~

 

I kept staring at the clock.

Nine, nine-thirty.

I should’ve been gone hours ago, but I kept lingering, reading charts I had read dozens of times, trying to find excuses to stay.

In the end I had given up and I had sent a mail to Natsumi telling her I was going to sleep there, that I had work to do and I wasn’t going to make it home.

It was far from being true, and it was likely she knew it as well, but it didn’t matter. Not anymore.

I wanted to be there, I couldn’t go back inside those walls, carrying along my lie while all I could think about was Chinen.

I was mad at his despise, at his wish to surrender, I was mad at the way he denied he still had something to live for.

I was mad at all this, and I felt even more attracted to him, to the point I wasn’t able to call him an obsession anymore, for it felt reductive.

Nor I could admit I felt something more for him.

It hurt to think I had repressed myself for years, just to see all those barriers now broken by someone I didn’t know so much about.

And the more I looked at his eyes, the more I realized that I let the shadow of the compassion I felt for him show.

That was the reason why he hated me, I was sure of it, because he had no use for my compassion, because he still wanted to convince himself there was nothing for which people should’ve felt sorry for him.

I was still lost in those thoughts, when I heard knocking.

Arching an eyebrow, not understanding who could that be, I got up.

Chinen was at the door, holding tight around himself a too light jacket, looking cold.

It made me want to hug him, hold him tight and warm him up.

I swallowed, frowning.

“Chinen-san, what are you doing here?” I murmured, my voice hoarse.

“I... I’ve seen from my room’s window that the light was still on, so I thought I could come. Why are you still here? You should’ve headed home ages ago.” he asked, looking like someone who didn’t really want to be here, and that couldn’t answer as to why he was.

I shrugged, feeling uncomfortable.

“I had work to do. Couch here is comfortable enough to sleep.” I explained, visibly blushing.

We kept quiet for a long while, staring at each other, when he shivered.

“Want to come in? You must be cold.” I asked, realizing just now we were still standing on the doorstep.

He nodded and got in, closing the door behind himself and sighing at the sudden feeling of warmth.

He walked past me and sat on the couch, pulling his legs up against his chest and looking around, never resting his eyes on me.

“Why are you doing it?” he asked, leaning toward the coffee table and picking up a picture of my daughters. “Why do you keep showing interest in me? Why don’t you just give up?”

I knew what kind of an answer I wanted to give to his answer, but I still had some dignity left to prevent me from telling him the truth.

“I don’t know. I... I don’t like that I never see you smile. I don’t like the way you’re facing the disease. That’s all.” I told him, showing how little confidence I had in my answer.

“Oh, really?” he stood up again, putting the picture down and getting in front of me. “I don’t see how it is of any concern to you. You should mind the people asking for your help, shouldn’t you? And I don’t think I'm that.”

I found him even more beautiful with that angry stare, with that sort of hatred toward me because he didn’t understand why I found him interesting.

Without thinking about what I was doing, I leant down and pressed my lips against his.

I wasn’t going to pretend it wasn’t what I had been wanting to do since the first time I had laid eyes on him.


	10. Chapter 10

I couldn’t explain how it felt so right to have his lips on mine.

And yet when he had started kissing me it had felt good, as if all the grudge and anger I felt for him had suddenly disappeared.

I felt him bring his hands on my hips, pushing me delicately against the couch, making me lay down on it and climbing on top of me, careful not to weigh on me.

I kept kissing him and getting kissed, until we pulled away to breathe.

I propped myself up on my elbows, looking at him and arching an eyebrow.

Takaki sat at the other end of the couch, his eyes fixated on a cushion and an embarrassed smile on his face.

I got close to him, kneeling, taking his hand and softly brushing the ring on his finger.

“What about this?” I murmured.

I knew he was married, I had seen the ring one of the first times I had spoken to him.

And it was most likely that which irritated me, all that interest toward me which, factoring even the ring in, _had_ to be professional.

The sudden discovery I had been wrong confused me.

“It means nothing.” he replied, taking the ring off his finger and putting it down on the coffee table, lingering with his eyes on it for a while and then looking back at me. “I don’t love her. I don’t...” he sighed. “I care for her. Much. But I don’t love her.” he said, shrugging.

Maybe I should’ve cared. I should’ve told him it wasn’t fair on her nor me, that I wasn’t willing to play that part, that the whole thing didn’t sit right with me.

But I didn’t have time nor wish to concede myself the luxury of morality, nor to ask him to solve whatever problem he had home.

I didn’t know whether I was going to be there next day, nor the one after that, or a week from now.

If this was what we both wanted, right now, then I was going to back down.

And I wanted it, desperately so.

I got even closer, bringing my arms around his neck and kissing him again, feeling his hands under the t-shirt I used as a pyjama, going up on my back, caressing it, warming up the still cold skin.

I parted from him the time necessary to let him take it off of me, then I started kissing his neck, my hands slowly unbuttoning his shirt and my mouth following the same path, his hand on the back on my neck pushing for me to go on.

When I met his belt, he suddenly pushed me away; I saw him undo it quickly, taking off his pants and boxers before dealing with mine, leaving us both naked, his skin in direct contact with mine when he brought his arms around me, kissing on my collarbone, caressing my leg and up toward my cock, wrapping his palm around it and starting to stroke it softly, without putting too much effort into it.

I moaned in his ear, pushing toward that touch, my hands on his back scratching, while I hid my face in the crook of his neck.

He made me lay down once again and kissed down my chest, reaching my navel and going lower until his mouth met my shaft.

I brought a hand to his head, brushing my fingers through his hair, pushing against his tongue playing tricks on me, his lips wrapped only around the tip while his hand held the base steady, caressing it slowly.

I moaned, and loud, asking for more, and a short while after I felt his fingers against my lips, pressing to ask for access.

I slowly licked his fingertips, letting the phalanxes in, my tongue surrounding them in the most sultry way possible, hearing him groan against me as I basked in that feeling.

Unwillingly, he brought his fingers from my mouth to my rim, brushing it softly as his tongue kept working me, distracting me.

Pushing my hips harder toward him, I raised my head to look at him, seeing him letting me go and bring his mouth close to his fingers, starting to lick around them while one made its way inside of me.

My moans were starting to dangerously sound likes screams; I felt his tongue against my entrance trying to get inside as well, his fingers growing in number, and when I felt I was about to go crazy with it, I suddenly lost every contact with him.

My breath was heavy, I looked at him as if he had just hurt me, without even knowing why.

I saw him chuckle, then reach out to take my hand.

I pulled up and straddled his leg, as he leant against the armrest.

I slowly positioned myself, feeling him against myself, and I got down incredibly slowly, feeling him make his way inside inch by inch. Once he was completely inside, we both made an incredibly satisfied sound.

He kept still for a while, looking straight into my eyes, caressing my hips and smiling to me.

“Does... does it hurt?” he asked, frowning, and I chuckled.

“Don’t think I'm going to break, don’t worry sensei.” I reassured him, then I leant down and pressed my forehead against his. “Or I can call you Yuya?”

I saw him shiver and slowly starting to move his hips toward me, getting out and pushing back inside.

“Yuya’s more than fine.” he whispered, his voice an octave lower. “ _Yuri_.”

He pushed harder inside of him as I went along with his movements, helping myself with my legs, holding tight against him and pressing our bodies together, panting heavier and heavier as his thrusts got faster.

He brought his hand back to my cock, stroking it fast, bringing his lips against my throat when I rolled my head back and came just like that, spilling over his hand and his stomach.

I opened my eyes again in time to see him smile, then grab my hips and push me with my back against the couch again, settling down between my legs and moving inside of me until I felt him come as well, a scream poorly held back as he emptied himself inside of me.

He tried not to collapse on top of me, finding the strength to pull out of my body and getting next to me, an arm wrapped around me as I pressed myself against him.

He grabbed a blanket abandoned on the floor and covered us both, softly kissing my shoulder.

“I thought you hated me.” he murmured, waiting, and I felt like laughing for the way he had said that.

“I hate you, as a matter of fact.” I replied, serious, pushing further against him. “I hate that you’re so stubborn. I hate that you didn’t leave me be, when you should’ve.” I sighed, intertwining my fingers with his. “We both know who this is going to end, don’t we?”

I heard him sigh, and I was afraid I was going to have to hear one more time that everything was going to be okay, that I was going to heal, that there was nothing to be scared of.

But he didn’t, and I was grateful to him for that.

He started caressing me again, kissing along my throat, down my shoulder, my back.

He took me, again and again.

And for the first time since I had gotten the diagnosis, I was able to think about something else.

Even for that, without a doubt, I felt incredibly grateful to him.

 

~

 

I thought I should’ve felt guilty; but somehow, I couldn’t.

I sat up on the couch, staring past the French door facing the patio, and I smiled.

Yuri was wearing only his boxers and the shirt he had taken off of me a few hours before; he was leaning against the balustrade, and he stared at a blank spot in front of him, absorbed.

I wondered what was going through his mind, but it was a feeling I had grown accustomed to.

I wore my pants, wrapping the blanket around my shoulders, and I joined him.

I put my arms around his waist, resting my chin on his shoulder. He didn’t seem to get startled by the sudden contact and let go against me, sighing.

“You should go back to your room in a while.” I pointed out, unwillingly, nodding toward the sky which was starting to lit up. “Before giving the nurses a nice scare.”

I heard him laugh, then he shrugged.

“Well, it’d be a nice diversion. Days at the clinic are pretty boring.” he said, turning toward me and kissing me.

I kissed him back willingly, then I pulled away.

“I'm not joking, Yuri. Need I remind you that what’s happened tonight it’s most likely been a huge mistake for the both of us?” I said, while he chuckled.

“For you, maybe. Not only you’re married and have two daughters, but you’re also my shrink. I’d say you couldn’t have gotten yourself in a worse mess than this.” he stopped smiling, biting his lip. “Do you regret it?” he asked, his voice low, and he turned around completely, putting his hands on top of mine, still on his hips.

I shook my head, sighing.

“I wouldn’t have done this, had I thought I could’ve regretted it, Yuri. It’s been since I saw you the first time that I wanted to...” I blushed. “To have you so close. I felt attracted to you the first moment I’ve laid my eyes on you. So, no, there’s no reason why I should regret what I’ve done.”

“It’s the worst possible moment for something like this.” he commented.

I wanted to tell him it wasn’t true, but I wasn’t so sure.

I glanced at him, hugged him feeling his skin hot against mine, feeling the clear need to keep him there forever.

There was no hope in sight.

I saw his certainty of an imminent death, and as much as I wanted to fight it, his looks didn’t help.

I felt the weakness in his limbs, I saw the bags under his eyes, his face getting paler.

I saw he was shutting down slowly, and as his body faded so did the hope of giving that night a follow up, the one I had hoped for, the one I still would’ve liked to believe in.

“I love you.” I murmured against his shoulder, trying to hold back my tears. “You may think I'm crazy if you like, but like you said we’ve got no time, so it’s pointless to wait. I love you, Chinen Yuri.”

He tensed in my arms and sighed, waiting a while before speaking.

“It’s be crazy to wait.” he confirmed in a whisper, leaning toward me and resting his face against my chest. “I love you, Takaki Yuya.”


	11. Chapter 11

It had been over a week from that night.

I had gotten back more willingly to Yuya during the day, avoiding with a smile the curious stare of both Yuto and Okamoto-san.

It had gotten easier, actually, to smile; I smiled to them, I smiled to my friends whenever they came to visit, I smiled to the nurses and to Arioka-sensei.

They were all curious about this new attitude of mine, and I couldn’t really blame them.

I had found out that smiling helped pretending everything was okay. Though it wasn’t a lasting feeling, at all.

At night all I could focus on was the headache and the weakness the drugs brought, and then it was impossible to smile, and all I wanted to do was cry for that pain and cry because I didn’t know how to end it.

I had told Yuya during the day and he had told me it was perfectly normal to feel like that. Then he had asked me to come back that night and he had held me tight, telling me he didn’t want to see me cry, that there was no reason to, that I should’ve thought about him every time I felt like doing that.

As if he wasn’t another reason to do that, in the end.

As if seeing him frown every time I talked about the cancer didn’t actually make me feel like running away from him and everybody else.

He had brought me back to those feelings not so far in time, but to which I thought I had surrendered.

Ready to spend another morning with those thoughts, I was almost glad when I heard knocking.

When Kei walked in, I knew already I was going to have to expect way more than condescending to my radical mood shift.

After having kissed me on the cheek he sat on my bed next to me.

“Yuri.” he started, his voice firm. “Don’t you think we should talk?” he asked, and I arched an eyebrow, indifferent.

“About what, Kei-chan? There’s nothing new.” I replied, and I kept smiling on purpose.

He snorted, annoyed, and crossed his arms.

“You’ve gotten from being constantly in a bad mood to smiling like a child on Christmas’ morning. Don’t think I don’t know you, Chinen Yuri. Besides, it doesn’t take a genius to realize that something’s off.” he said, and he kept staring at me, waiting for me to say something.

Sighing, I leant against the backrest, tilting my head and watching him.

“Ok.” I caved, snorting, deciding there was no reason why I should’ve kept something like that from my best friend. “I’ve had sex. With the clinic’s shrink. Last week and also a couple of days ago. He told me he loves me and I think I love him too. End of story.” I said, breathing in deeply as Kei opened his eyes wide.

“Are you kidding me?” he murmured then, making me laugh.

“No, Kei-chan. I'm not kidding, it has actually happened.”

I saw him staring into space as he seemed to be thinking about something.

After a while he recovered and smiled to me.

“Well, if it makes you happy it makes me happy too, Yuri. After all, you really needed something to cheer you up, right?”

I nodded, then I bit my lip.

“Yes. Yes, I did, even though...” I snorted, annoyed by the thousands of thoughts which had assailed my mind. “On one hand I'm happy, really. I like Takaki, I like his attitude, I like how he makes me feel. But on the other... I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to take this any further, I don’t want him to really convince himself he loves me. He’s be just another person to cry my death, what’s the point?”

I felt a weight on my chest.

It had been crossing my mind since that first night, since he had told me he loved me, since I had surprised myself with how natural it had been to tell him I loved him too.

Kei looked at me with a shadow of sadness in his eyes, most likely thinking that he would’ve been the first one to cry, but he didn’t comment that.

“You’ve got to stop, Yuri.” he murmured instead, his eyes on the floor. “You’ve got to stop trying to protect us from the pain we’re going to feel, you’ve got to stop wishing to be left alone, because it’s not going to happen. I won’t leave you, Ryo won’t, nor Kota or Hikaru or, if he really loves you as you said, Takaki-sensei will. It’s our choice to be with you, Yu. It’s pointless to bang your head against it.” he said, firm.

I kept looking at him, quite surprised at what he had just said.

Or better, little surprised that he thought this, more that he had chosen to tell me.

Kei had never been too happy to talk about stuff like this, to present my death as a concrete possibility, so hearing him speak like that gave me a clear idea of how much he cared about those moments of happiness of mine, and how being with me was actually a choice I, willing or not, had to accept.

I leant toward him to hug him, holding him tight and hearing him sigh.

Once we pulled away, we were both smiling again.

“Did you tell Hikaru?” he asked after a few seconds, and I took that question as a way to change the subject.

I opened my eyes wide, shaking my head.

“No, you’re the first one to know. And honestly, I don’t think it’s something I should advertise too much, Kei. Yuya’s risking his job over something like this.” I pointed out, arching an eyebrow. “And why should’ve I told him?”

Kei put on a curious expression. He brought a hand to his mouth, chewing on a fingernail and staring at me.

It looked like he was pondering, deciding what kind of answer to give to my question, but in the end he just shrugged.

“No reason, I was just curious.” he said, patting my arm. “But think about it, Yuri. You know how... well, how protective he is with you. He might not like something like this.”

I kept watching him, more and more confused.

Of course, Hikaru and I were friends, and he was older than me, which partly justified his being protective of me.

And it was also true that every time I had shown some interest in someone he had never missed to prove his disappointment, which I had always explained as some sort of big brother syndrome leading him to dislike anyone interested in me.

That sensitivity that Kei was asking of me toward him though, gave me something to think about.

“I told you, I don’t know if I’ll tell me. It’s nothing... well, official. On the contrary. There’s no reason why I should tell him.” I told him, all of a sudden in a bad mood.

Kei nodded, standing up. He glanced at the clock, wincing.

“Whatever you say, Yuri. But if you were to tell him, be careful how you do that, that’s all.” he leant toward me, giving me a quick hug. “I better leave now. In less than an hour I have to meet Kota for lunch.” he smiled to me, walking to the door and waving at me, as I barely waved back.

I sighed as soon as he got out, the migraine getting sharper.

The last thing I needed, was something else to think about.

 

~

 

The look Natsumi had given me that morning, her words and her tears didn’t leave me alone.

She was disgusted, and she had a right to.

When I had told her about Yuri her reaction had been immediate, she had been the one asking me to leave our house even before I could tell her I wanted to leave.

Okamoto had seen me arrive with a bag full of my clothes and had frowned, but he hadn’t asked anything.

That day wasn’t going to be easy, I was aware of that.

I kept thinking about her and what I had put her through during the years, I thought about my daughters and what they were going to think about me once old enough to understand.

To understand that I was in love with a man, that marrying a woman had been an accident due to my obsession of wanting to hide how I actually was, that those years had been nothing but a well-built lie.

Thinking about Yuri made me feel better.

Mine had been a well-thought decision, nothing rushed.

The idea of leaving home had been in my mind for a while, all I lacked was the courage to make the decision and admit openly something I had hidden for so long.

That night with Yuri had been the final blow, and so all the time I had spent with him, and thinking about him and the feeling of having him in my arms, his lips on mine, his scent drenching the room.

It was new for me, I had never felt like that before, something looking so much like happiness.

And now, even at the perspective of how hard those months were going to be at home and at work, thinking about him was the best thing I had, and I was going to cling on to that to feel okay.

Still lost in my thoughts, as I slowly sipped the coffee Yuto had given me, I barely noticed Arioka-sensei coming in.

I raised my eyes on him, nodding, as he sat on the couch in front of me and sighed.

“Did something happen?” I asked, and he looked straight into my eyes, serious.

“Chinen Yuri came here in the end, didn’t he?” he asked, and I got on full alert, careful to whatever reaction I might have hearing his name.

“Yes.” I said, nonchalant. “In the end he’s convinced himself and he’s come here a few times to talk. Why do you ask?” I was confused as to why he was talking to me about him.

“Because.” he went on, his voice tired. “I’ve gotten the last results of his tests this morning, and so I went to talk to him.” he snorted, brushing his hand over his face, now looking annoyed. “He’s terminal.”

Any complication in my life disappeared.

Natsumi’s tears disappeared, so did the concern over my daughters’ judgement, so did the thought of work and what was going to happen if they had found out about me and Yuri.

Nothing mattered anymore, not in front of those words.

“Chinen…” I murmured. “Chinen is going to die?”

And even though I knew the answer to my question, when I saw Arioka nodded I felt the sudden need to burst into tears.


	12. Chapter 12

I could barely move.

The painkillers they gave to me every day, more times a day, did their job just fine, and they made me feel a dull numbness, but with the lack of pain I also felt unable to do anything without feeling exhausted.

I sighed, pushing the button next to the bed to pull the backrest up.

I was shattered.

It had been a little over three weeks since Arioka-sensei had told me that I wasn’t going to make it, and I still hadn’t thought about the implication of that particular new.

That same night Yuya had rushed into my room, without caring being discreet and avoid being seen by nurses, patients or other doctors.

He had gotten to my bed and had hugged me, held me tight without saying a word, not needing to explain his reaction.

He had cried, god he had.

I still had in my mind the echo of his sobs, and the dampness of his tears against my skin as if it had happened the day before.

Until I had been able to move on my own, I had gone to see him every day.

I drank my coffee, I joked with Yuto and talked to Okamoto, never mentioning my condition, not even when Yuya tried to get me to.

And I saw him at night too, and every time we were together I felt as if it was the last one and I tried to burn every detail in my mind and on my body as if it actually was.

It was with that feeling I wanted to die.

It was remembering the almost exasperating tenderness of his touch on me, remembering the taste of his lips and the sound of his voice, because the moment I had realized there was nothing left to hope, Yuya was the only reason why I still clung on to life.

The others, just like him, hadn’t taken the news well.

They all hoped, after all, in a miraculous recovery, they were all expecting to receive a call to tell them I was fine, that I was going to live, that it was all going to become a bad memory.

Kei and Ryo had cried all their tears and then they had pretended nothing had happened.

They kept coming to visit, more often than usual, and they told me everything they did.

We never talked about anything important, and we all seemed to be fine with that.

It had become a subject disliked by me as much as them, and all three of us were sure that by ignoring it we would’ve finally managed to stop thinking about it.

But it didn’t seem to have worked just yet.

Right now, Hikaru was in my room.

He sat on the chair next to the bed, and from time to time he brushed the back of my hand with his fingers.

That touch soothed me, his presence did.

He hadn’t said a word when I had informed him that there was nothing left to do.

He had nodded and then he had kept making small talk, as if I had told him something completely unimportant.

I knew it was a mask and I knew he was in pain, but I almost liked his indifferent reaction better than all the others’.

Hikaru, as much as he managed to confuse me most of the times, was still the only one managing to give me a break.

“Hikka?” I interrupted him as he was telling me something which had happened at the coffee shop the day before.

He arched an eyebrow, pushing the chair forward.

“What is it, Yuri? Do you need something?” he asked, and I couldn’t help nothing a slight apprehension in his voice.

I looked at him, shaking my head.

I thought about Kei’s words, I thought about how he had told me to be careful when telling him about me and Yuya.

I was sad for Hikaru, somehow, because I knew I was going to hurt him; at the same time though, there was nothing I could do for him.

I didn’t want to die without telling him, because as much as it looked as something completely pointless at a time like this, I knew it wasn’t going to be for him.

It was just a feeling, but it was strong and I knew I wasn’t wrong.

“I'm in a relationship, Hikka. Well... sort of a relationship, it’s not easy to maintain one from a hospital bed. With Takaki-sensei.” I told him, frowning, and if I hadn’t been so worried about his reaction I would’ve laughed of the tone I had used.

He kept still, so much that I wondered if he was breathing at all.

In the end he nodded, resigned.

“I... well, I'm not entirely surprised.” he said, forcing a smile. “You’ve been talking a lot about him lately, too much considering you didn’t even want to see him at first. And you’ve gotten too irritated at him in the beginning to say you weren’t interested.” he chuckled, and he looked sad again. “I know you, Yu. You’re not good at hiding things.”

I felt antsy, knowing how forced his answer was.

I didn’t want to lead him to something neither of us wanted to face, but I didn’t even want to leave him with that bitter feeling, letting him believe that I didn’t care at all about how he felt.

“Hikka, I...” I started, but he stopped me right away, holding one of my hands tight.

“It doesn’t matter, Yuri. All that matters now is for you to be okay. What I care for is to be able to spend as much time with you as I can. I ask only that you let me stay here.” he said, determined.

I wanted to hug him, but I didn’t have the strength.

I wanted to cry, more for his fate than mine, but it wasn’t going to help anyone.

So I just let him hold that hand and I made an effort to hold it back.

I loved Hikaru, more than I could explain, less than he would’ve wanted me to.

We kept quiet for a long time, then he asked about Yuya, what I liked about him, how it made me feel to be with him.

And as much as I wanted to tell him he didn’t have to ask, I thought about what Kei and him had told me.

If they were the one to decide they wanted to get hurt because of me, I would’ve kept hurting them with my words and my actions, and my death.

Because they were the one who wanted to be there, and I was too tired to try and not be selfish.

I kept telling him about the love I felt for another man, and it was okay for both of us.

I was close to the end, I was allowed that.

 

~

 

When Arioka-sensei had called me, it had taken me a while to realize what was happening.

I had been living in the outbuilding for over a month, so the doctor hadn’t hesitated coming to look for me there.

Confused by the sudden awakening, all I caught was Yuri’s name, and there my brain seemed to start functioning.

I got dressed as fast as I could, following him inside to Chinen’s room.

The pulse was weak, his face paler than usual.

I turned to Arioka, but he just nodded to make me get closer, then he went out the room, aware.

I should’ve remembered to thank him, before asking him how he had understood.

I hadn’t been so good as I thought at hiding what I felt.

I got close to the bed, softly brushing his arm.

He opened his eyes, slowly, so much that I felt like screaming.

“Yuu...” he murmured, but I shushed him, pressing a finger on his lips, softly, as if I was afraid I was going to break him.

As if I was afraid of doing him something worse than his own body was already doing.

I knelt next to the bed and I kissed his hand, crying, trying not to be heard, as if he could really not notice.

“The last time, Yuu...” he murmured again, tired, barely audible.

“What, Yuri?” I asked, and my voice betrayed the tears.

I got close to his face, tenderly caressing his forehead.

“The last time... it’s been the most beautiful thing in the world.” his breath was heavy, and I wanted to shush him again, tell him I knew, that he didn’t have to talk, that he should’ve saved his strength.

But for what, then?

“Thank you, Yuya.” he said in the end, and I nodded.

“I'm the one who has to thank you, Yuri.” I whispered, husky. “I have to thank you for what you’ve done for me, for proving me I'm fine just the way I am, and for having been able to love me despite everything. I'm never going to stop being grateful to you for what you’ve given to me, Yuri, I...”

Ignoring the sharp and continuous sound of the machine attached to Yuri’s body became impossible then.

I collapsed on the floor, still holding his hand, telling him I loved him, again and again and again, and I never wanted to stop telling him, and I wished he could’ve still heard me, that he could’ve told me he loved me too, that he was never going to stop loving me.

But it wasn’t going to happen.

I kept crying, as I looked at Yuri’s face.

It was the last time.

And him too, as everything we had been through together, was beautiful.


	13. Epilogue

It was the first time I came back to that place since Yuri had died.

His funeral had been over a week before, and I still couldn’t understand what had happened.

I couldn’t understand that day, I couldn’t understand how could that body belong to Yuri, for it looked too small, to defenceless to be the man he had been.

We were all crying, no exception.

I cried too, even though I had always pretended to be strong in front of him, I cried like a kid who had seen everything torn away from him, because that’s how I felt.

It was sunny, that day.

I slowly walked toward the beach, when I saw him.

He was sitting on the sand, his eyes fixated on the sand, his face serious, even sadder than he had had been at the funeral.

I hadn’t talked to him, I hadn’t wanted to.

The fact that Yuri loved him still burned, that he had been able to make him happy during his last days while I had failed, while I had lost the chance to do that.

When I had chosen not to tell Yuri I loved him but he had understood that anyway, when he had let me know he felt sorry, and I had accepted his sorrow and the fact he didn’t love me.

I had retreated in my defeat, and the only thing I could regret now was not having been there for him as he passed.

When I got close enough I saw him get up and turn, looking confused and diffident.

“We didn’t get a chance to introduce ourselves.” I murmured. “I'm Yaotome Hikaru.” I told him, bowing a little.

“Takaki Yuya.”

I wanted to tell him I knew who he was, and I knew what he felt for Yuri, and that I knew what pain he was feeling right now.

I felt a rush of hatred for him, and I regretted it right away.

What I felt was too confused to be actually expressed, so all I could do was lean over and hug him.

“Thank you.” was all I said, and he didn’t even ask why and hugged me back.

We had in common the love we felt for a man who wasn’t there anymore, for a man we were never going to forget.

Because both him nor I, I was sure, were ever going to be free from the love we still felt for Chinen Yuri.

 


End file.
